Madame Web – the one about a man with spidery superpowers who takes violent action because he feels threatened by five smart and principled women (cinemas from 14 February)

Madame Web’s multi-threaded plot is fairly knotted and the act of mentally untangling it distracts from enjoying the film.

A pregnant woman searches for an elusive spider in the Peruvian jungle.

A paramedic (Cassie played by Dakota Johnson) starts to have premonitions after a near-death experience. Her ambulance partner’s name (Adam Scott as Ben Parker) sounds familiar … but wash your mouth and mind out with soap as this is absolutely nothing to do with Spider-Man no siree.

Three young women (Isabela Merced as Anya, Sydney Sweeney as Julia, Celeste O'Connor as Mattie) don’t realise that a strange man (Tahar Rahim as Ezekiel) is tracking them down.

The women all share a connection with the paramedic but that’s totally redundant within the plot.

45 minutes into the film, you’ll be asking whether it’s a story about spiders, a story about changing the future through déjà vu, a story about a man with superpowers who takes violent action because he feels threatened by three (actually at least five) smart and principled women, or whether the lovely scene-stealing stray cat who slurps milk will turn out to be really important.

The four parentless stars of the show are well-drawn and interesting characters. Cassie is reluctantly maternal; Anya is rational (and copies of her t-shirt “I eat MATH for breakfast” are available online!); Maddie is impetuous; Julia is shy and thus wears her name as a necklace in case she doesn’t introduce herself. But the plot weaves a tangled web around their potential to shine.

Ultimately, a lot of unacknowledged innocent people die in a bid to save the lives of three young women. Pepsi turns out to be bad for your health.

Hard to believe that paramedic Ben doesn’t hesitate when asked to swallow Cassie’s tall tale and immediately agrees to look after her young charges. At the end, I must have blinked and missed the moment that Cassie sustained the injuries that transform her sight and mobility before the final scene. It feels like a lot

The cat and the use of The Cranberries’ song Dream over the credits are the film’s best moments. There’s no end-credit scene … probably for the best that no one extends this miserable arachnoid universe or speaks of it again.

Madame Web is playing in local cinemas from Wednesday 14 February. Is it a tense thriller? Is it a Marvel superhero film? Is it a giant pile of spider poo?

 

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